Hellsing vs Twilight Interveiw
by aldara360
Summary: this is a tv show basically that i made up have fun reading the show srry i suck at summaries
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own Hellsing nor do I own Twilight

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**Episode 1 Questions

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Aldara: Welcome everybody to the Hellsing vs. Twilight Interview

*Audience Applauds*

Aldara: Today we have two vampires. The first one is the mysterious, sexy, super **BADASS**, ultra strong, best vampire ever in history. Your one and only ALUCARD!

*Fan girls scream, fifty of them faint*

Fan girls: TAKE ME ALUCARD AAHHHHHH!

Aldara: All right now calm down, and now for the weak pathetic excuse for a vampire, sparkly fairy princess with a huge head, and a hair style that defies all things logical. Edward…

*One person claps and that is Bella*

Aldara: Alucard would you like to say anything to your fans.

Alucard: *Winks at fan girls*

*Three fan girls die of a heart attack and fifty more faint*

Aldara: Alucard stop acting more sexy we can't have anymore fan girls dying or we will get cancelled.

Alucard: I can't help it, it's natural.

Edward: Errr.. Are we going to get the questions or not.

Aldara: SHUTUP! I am gonna get started, you stupid fairy blood sucker.

Edward: *Cries a little*

Aldara: All right question 1. What is your favorite type of Human to drink from?

Alucard: I personally like strong pure blood, but since they're so hard to find I drink what I can I'm really not too picky.

Edward: I don't drink human blood it will make me more into a monster than I already am. I drink animal blood.

Alucard: You're an idiot, you're so pussy whipped its absolutely ridiculous. Just what the hell is wrong with you, you're not even a monster your from a fairy tale book. And another thing-

Edward: *Starts crying dramatically*

Aldara: * Hands tissue to Edward* Stop crying your making a fool of yourself. Now calm down and take deep breaths.

Alucard: Pathetic. He has to breathe to calm down. What vampire breaths.

Aldara: Stop it, you can be so mean. Question 2, If some dude was flirting with your girl or wife what would you do? Also the fan girl that wrote this says she loves you Alucard.

Edward: I would give him a glare with my eyes and flare my nostrils to make him know that I'm serious.

Alucard: *Glares at Edward* you're a-

Aldara: Don't say anything mean.

Alucard: Fine. If, he would have did that I would devour his soul with my shadow hell hounds.

Aldara: Question 3, What kind of super powers do you have? Also I have to pick three people in the audience pick the super powers that you named and have you guys try it on each other.

Aldara: Alright, you with the black shirt that says 'I LOVE ALUCARD' with a human heart get up here. Ummmm… okay you with the 'Kill Edward' shirt get up here. Okay we need one more person. Alright , you with the shirt that has Edwards head cut off get up here. Also, Walter call the ambulance.

Walter: Already did.

Aldara: Okay your name tags say Jessica, Amber, and Sasha.

*All three nod*

Aldara: You know what to do just after their done naming there powers pick the ones you want them to do.

All Three: Okay!

Alucard: I can Regenerate, summon shadows, shape shift, defy gravity, summon familiars, telepathy, superhuman senses speed and strength, hypnosis, sharp shooting skills, teleportation, memory absorption. And much more *winks at fan girls again*

*Three more fan girls die*

Aldara: Alucard stop acting so damn sexy people are dying because of it.

Alucard: Now don't be jealous your still mine.

Aldara: *blushes* whatever. Edward what's your powers?

Edward: Super human speed strength and senses and the power to read minds also to be incredibly beautiful.

Alucard: That's it, you suck.

Aldara: *sighs* poor guy. Anyways Jessica what do you choose.

Jessica: Edward I want you to punch Alucard in the arm and see if it hurts. And Alucard I want you to rip off Edwards arm.

Edward: *Punches him in the arm* What! Usually that really hurts any vampire that I know.

Alucard: Well it's my turn *Laughs like a maniac*

_**RIPPPP**_

Aldara: **OH MY GOSH **_**THIS IS AWESOME!**_

Edward: AHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!

Bella: My love*faints*

Aldara: Alright Amber your turn.

Amber: Edward I want you to read Alucards mind. And Alucard I want you to use your evil love beam on him.

Edward: *Reading his mind* AHHHHHHHHH! Darkness, just blood and darkness. * shivers dramatically*

Alucard: Sing the Milkshake song.

Edward: MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD DAMN RIGHT IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS I CAN TEACH YOU BUT I HAVE TO CHARGE!

Aldara: That's just sad. Errr.. Sasha it's your turn and please have mercy on him.

Sasha: Edward since you're so beautiful try to turn Alucard on. And Alucard I want you to use your shadows and a bite one of his legs off.

Edward: *Go's into sunlight naked* Hey hot stuff want some of this.

Alucard *Gasp*** YOUR FUCKING SPARKELING THAT'S IT IM NOT GONNA BITE OFF YOU LEG IM GONNA KILL YOU!**

Edward: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Aldara: So much for having mercy on him. Well I hope you enjoyed the first episode of Hellsing vs Twilight Interview.

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**After the show

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Alucard: Blah. He didn't even have the guts to fight back. Thank goodness I didn't eat him I could have been throwing up sparkles for a week.

Aldara: Alucard you know Integra is gonna kill you right.

Alucard: Damn…. What a minute why didn't you warn me of that in the beginning.

Aldara: *shrugs* I didn't think of it.

Alucard: Guess what?

Aldara: *Backs Away* What?

Alucard: Your on punishment.

Aldara: WAIT NOOOOOOOOOOO IM SORRY I THOUGHT WE WERE TOGETHER AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DON'T!

Alucard: *puts Aldara into his mouth* *gulps* Hope I didn't chew on her.

Aldara: Great. *turns head* Seras what are you doing in here.

Seras: I was teasing him about accidently imprinting.

Aldara: oh don't worry it's not that bad in here.

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**Stay tuned for the next episode of Hellsing vs Twilight**


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning contains bashing.**

**Episode 2 How Long Can You Survive**

Aldara: Welcome again to the Hellsing vs Twilight Show

*Audience Claps*

Aldara: Before we get the show started I want to say I apologize the director of the show canceled us for a while so now we are back. Today we have three special guests. The first one is Walter. Second one is Seras. The third is the awesome killer priest. Father Alexander Anderson.

Walter: I'm very grateful to be on this show.

Seras: I never knew Master had so many fan girls.

Angry Fan girls: **STAY AWAY FROM ALUCARD SERAS WE WILL STAKE YOU IF YOU TRY ANYTHING!**

Aldara: Never underestimate a fan girls love.

Walter: True so very true I had to learn the hard way.

Anderson: That's very scary.

Aldara: You should be scared because I'm a fan girl of you darling.

Aldara: Okay let's bring out Alucard and the err….. fairy princess.

Bella: HIS NAME IS EDWARD!

Aldara: Whatever. GAURDS GET HER OUT!

Alucard: Don't be so harsh on the human she's just confused.

Aldara: You have noooooo right to talk mister.

Edward: I thought Bella was here where did she go?

Aldara: Ummmmm….. She had to uhhh…. Go get groceries for her Dad.

Edward: Oh Okay.

Alucard: Hello fairy.

Edward: I'm a real vampire I bet I can kick your-.

Alucard: Now remember what happened last time you're lucky we found a way to bring you back.

Edward: Your right ill stop.

Aldara: Okay before things get too out of hand let's get on with the challenges.

Anderson: Aye' think aye' wanna kill tha fairy first. Or should aye' kill tha bastard first? What a tough decision.

Aldara: Save your bloodlust Andy.

Alucard: How come he gets a nickname and I don't?

Aldara: I love him more sorry Alucard. Anyways the first challenge is who can throw a wooden javelin through the vampires heart that is farthest away.

Alucard: This should be easy well for me anyways.

**On the field**

Aldara: Alrighty folks. Edward has the intense glare on his target.

**S**_**woosh**_

Aldara: He only throws it threw the vampire that is 14 yards away.

Edward: Let's see that old dog top that.

Aldara: Everybody put on your protective gear just in case , we all know how competitive Alucard gets.

Walter: Do you think he will 'accidently' throw it threw Edward?

Seras: Knowing him yes he will

Anderson: Tha bastard betta not. Tha fairy can be a play thing at tha orphanage an' buy me some time.

Aldara: alright everybody get ready Alucard has that super sexy smug face on.

_**SWOOSH**_

Aldara: OMG HE HIT 16 TRAGETS THREW THE HEART AND MADE IT ALL THE WAY OUT THE FEILD.

Edward: That's not fair he CHEATED!

Alucard: No I didn't I'm just a _real_ vampire.

Edward: Noooo you cheated.

Alucard: How?

Edward: Umm… you uhhh…

Alucard: That's what I thought you sore loser.

Aldara: Okay you too settle down.

Edward: BUT HE WAS CHEATING AND THAT'S NOT FAIR AND I WON'T SETTLE DOWN!

Aldara: HEY MISTER YOU DO NOT YELL AT ME LIKE THAT OKAY!

Edward: Yes madam.

Aldara: He did not cheat Edward he's just that awesome. So calm the heck down.

Anderson: How did he do that?

Walter: Do what?

Anderson: Tha fairies nose sucked up lik two fan girls didn ya see that. Didn ya see how he flares his nostrils that's so freaky.

Seras: I can try to pull her out. When he's not looking.

Walter: Oh my gosh I think I see a leg hanging out. We can't tell Alucard about this.

Anderson: Why?

Alucard: Because _**NOBODY **_sucks up my fan girls but me.

Aldara: Now everybody the next challenge is-

_**BANG BANG BANG!**_

Aldara: AHHHH ALEINS THERE HERE! EVERBODY PUT ON YOUR TINFOIL HATS!

Anderson: No tha vampire is tryin ta kill tha fairy.

Aldara: Why? We can't have anybody killed we will get canceled again!

Seras: Because when Edward was yelling he sucked up two fan girls with his nose.

Aldara: The Hell! How is that even possible? Forget it Andy hold down Alucard. Seras help Andy. Walter wrap Alucard in your wires just in case.

All Three: Roger that!

4 Hours Later

Alucard: IM GONNA KILL YOU! YOU STUPID RIDICULOUS EXCUSE FOR A VAMPIRE!

Aldara: Alucard calm down she is still alive.

2 more Hours Later

Aldara: Sorry for the mishap thats been going on. The fan girl is still alive. She needs therapy but should be back.

Seras: Poor girl.

Alucard: I will kill him some way and he won't come back either.

Aldara: OKAAYYYY. The next challenge is who can survive 4 hours with a garlic filled room. If you talk about anything you're out. If you use any powers you're out. If you do anything in that room you're out.

Edward: That challenge makes no sense.

Aldara: Shutup! This is a test who is real and who is not. The only thing you can do in there is sit and try to stand the smell.

Outside the Garlic room

Anderson: Bet ya 2 bucks tha Alucard will kill tha boy in tha room. Walter is it a deal?

Walter: Deal!

6 minutes later

Alucard: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE I CAN DEAL WITH THE SMELL BUT HE JUST GOES ON AND ON AND ON ABOUT HIS GIRL FRIEND!

Edward: And she is so smart and-

Seras: SHUTUP!

Aldara: Alrighty Edward yourrrr OUT.

Edward: How?

Aldara: Because I said no talking because you voice is annoying so I thought maybe that would be fair for everybody. And also because you slightly damaged Alucards brain by talking about your girlfriend. So Alucard wins anyway you put it.

Edward: Will I ever win?

Walter: No

Edward: Who asked you?

Walter: You just asked everybody nobody would answer so I answered for them.

Edward: Thank you!

Walter: Idiot…

_**SWOOSH**_

_**THUMP**_

Aldara: ALEXANDER WHY DID YOU CUT OFF HIS HEAD!

Alexander: Sorry aye' couldn' help meself.

Alucard: For the first time ever I am true fully thankful to you.

Alexander: High Five!

Alucard: Yeah!

Walter: This is a Kodak moment.

Seras: This will make yaoi fan girls go crazy.

Aldara: Sense Edward has died earlier than expected we will have to cut the show.

Alucard: Don't worry I will threaten the director to put us back on the air.

Aldara: If you have any questions put send them to us.

After the Show

Maxwell: *sobs* HOW COULD YOU KILL EDWARD ALEX! WHAT ABOUT BELLA! OHHHH THE HORROR!*faints*

Alexander: *sighs* Why do I work for him!

Aldara: Don't worry here have a rum filled cookie.

Alucard: HOW COME _**HE**_ GETS A COOKIE!

Aldara: Here I made you a blood cookie.

Alucard: Thanks sexy! *teleports away*

**Stay tuned for the next episode…. maybe**


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning contains bashing

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**Episode 3 Nobody loves fairies

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Aldara: Hi well I think we will be on for a while because Alucard has killed the director. So now I will be the director.

*Audience Claps*

Alucard: He deserved it.

Aldara: Why! Never mind I don't want to know. Sense Edward is too injured to do anything we will have Bella vs. Seras for a while.

Fan Boys: YEAHHHH! LET'S HAVE SOME GIRL ACTION! WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Aldara: Calm down you perverts!

Alucard: Don't worry my he/she Master said that he will have nightmares for a while. So that's good but its because of his retarded fan girls love that he came back.

Aldara: Wow that's amazing .Now time for some questions.

Alucard: I will read them.

Aldara: Alright then hurry up you attention whore.

Alucard: This is by hellsingfan101. You Sir sparkles alot, how come you haven't been arrested? I assumed it was illegal to break and entering? Not to mention watch people sleep. Now , same question as "The Layman"

Aldara: Well Alucard answer the question.

Alucard: I don't break and enter I just visit those houses. So I'm not breaking any laws. When everybody is sleep I like to invade their dreams and give them nightmares. Even if I don't know the people that live in that house it's not like they can do a damn thing about it.

Aldara: Yeah sure that's not breaking any laws. That's perfectly logical. *Rolls eyes*

Edward: I was only doing it for love. No matter what my love for Bella will overcome any laws.

Alucard: You just s-

Aldara: SHUTUP! GO TO THE NEXT QEUSTION!

Alucard: Fine you don't have to be so bitchy. This is by Akako Hama. I do have a question for the Sparkling gay fairy boy over there. Did you know that drinking animal blood does NOT make you a vegan? You are still eating blood, if you really want to be a vegetarian, drink tomato juice.

Edward: I have been looking for a less monstrous diet. I hate killing animals. I will try the tomato juice. But I never knew that drinking animal blood still doesn't make me a vegan.

Alucard: How the _**HELL **_is drinking animal blood monstrous? That's just fucking ridiculous. You said you are a vampire so you _**HAVE**_ to drink blood. What kind of vampire drinks fucking tomato juice?

Aldara: Stop cursing there's little ears hearing your foul mouth.

*drinks tomato juice*

Edward: Yum it tastes delicious. I should have tried this a while back all others foods and drinks are just gross.

*Alucard glares*

Aldara: OKAAAAYY. Next question please.

Alucard: This question is by mslcat. How do you make blood cookies?

Aldara: MUHAHAHAHAHA sorry but that is a secret between just me and Walter.

Alucard: Trust me I've tried to figure out the secret. Her mental STRONGEST barriers come up when she makes them so nobody will know the great everlasting taste of the blood cookies. The sad thing is that she only makes them two times a year.

Aldara: If you atleast _try_ not to kill Edward I'll make them for you.

Alucard: I love your cookies but lets not get ridiculous.

Aldara: Whatever. Okay everybody put your hands together for the cute, crazy, curvy, double d, blonde, innocent, strong-

Alucard: HURRY UP!

Aldara: Sorry. Seras Victoria!

Seras: Hello! Im here to kickass and pull that bitches hair out.

Alucard: And Aldara thinks she is innocent.

Aldara: Now here comes the clumsy, dumb, no personality, bad luck bringing-

Edward: We get it okay just hurry up!

Bella: Hi. Im like here to fight for the love of me and Edward.

Seras: We are not even trying to break you up.

Bella: Like yeah you are.

Seras: How?

Bella: Because you're like inviting me here to do stuff.

Alucard: Is she mentally damaged.

Edward: No. She has a great vibrant mind that I cannot even read it's beautiful.

Aldara: Yeaaaahhhhh sure. Keep telling yourself that.

Alucard: Her mind is so empty that's why he can't read that girls damned godforsaken mind.

Aldara: Well sense I am doing this for fan boys and girls Alucard has made up the challenges.

Alucard: Alright! Police Girl and Ms. No-personality get ready.

Aldara: This is gonna be one sexy episode.

Alucard: Hey you two!

Seras: Yes!

Bella: Huhh!

**Sploosh**

Seras: MASTER WHY DID YOU SPLASH WATER ON US!

Bella: Like yeah why?

Alucard: Because you have to be wet for this challenge.

Edward: Wow they look nice all wet.

Aldara: I guess all when it comes to chicks getting splashed by water all guys think the same way.

Alucard: Okay lets go onto the field.

**On the field**

Alucard: You two have to dodge these silver daggers. The daggers will fire at you randomly so be ready.

Seras: Alright I won't lose to that bitch.

Bella: I'm gonna do this for Edward because we are in love.

Alucard: Uhhhh… okay on your mark get set go!

_**SWOOSH SWOOSH SWOOSH**_

Aldara: Alucard if they are dodging daggers why do they have to be wet?

Alucard: Because umm… it will uhhhhh…

Aldara: Because you're a pervert.

Alucard: YEAH! Wait I mean no.

Aldara: Sheesh try to at least control yourself. I haven't heard from Edward.

Edward: *fainted*

Aldara: Gosh what is wrong with them.

_**SWOOP**_

Alucard: Alright seems that Ms. No-Personality has gotten a dagger in the stomach so Seras wins.

Seras: HAHAHAHAHAHA! IN YOUR FACE!

Aldara: How come your not burning? Oh wait I remember you're a fairy.

Bella: Fairies are cool.

Alucard: Is that why you're going out with one?

Bella: I don't get it.

Seras: Of course you don't.

Aldara: Okay settle down young ones it's time for the next challenge. Alucard please explain.

Alucard: Okay then the next challenge is-

Fan boys: SWIMSUIT MODELING!

Aldara: CALM DOWNN!

Alucard: Awww please.

Aldara: No the answer will forever be no.

Alucard: You take the fun out of this show.

Aldara: Whatever just hurry up.

Alucard: Who ever chugs down the most human blood wins.

Bella: But I don't drink human blood.

Seras: *sighs*

Aldara: Why must she be so blind?

Alucard: Fuck it. I don't care anymore Seras wins.

Aldara: But what about the last challenge.

Alucard: I don't care anymore.

Seras: Come on Master we can't just quit.

Aldara: Yeah me and Seras will let you pick anything.

Alucard: _**Anything**_.

Aldara: Yeah so are you gonna take the deal or not.

Alucard: Okay the show is back.

*Audience Claps and Cheers*

Aldara: Yaaayyyy!

Alucard: The last challenge is the best one ever to me. Okay Seras you have to blood wrestle with the dumb girl. BUT! In red bikinis and red stilettos.

Aldara: Damn that's just too much what about the children.

Alucard: So there gonna learn about hot chicks wrestling sooner or later.

Seras: What is blood wrestling?

Bella: Yeah what is it?

Alucard: You two wrestle but in a rubber pool filled with blood.

Fanboys: FINALLY!

Alucard: Okay girls go change and then comeback.

15 minutes later

Aldara: Why me? This was supposed to be a comedy show not a porno. That was my dream to have a Hellsing comedy show.

Alucard: Well listen I have dreams too and this one is gonna come true weather you like or not.

Seras: Master can we please just get this over with.

Bella: Yeah it's chilly in here.

Alucard: Okay go into the pool.

*They both go into the pool*

Alucard: GO! Rip each others hair out!

Bella: She punched me in the face!

Seras: Here is a ¾ Nelson!

Bella: OOOUUUUCCCHHHH!

_**SPLAH SPLASH SPLASH**_

Aldara: Great how am I supposed to bring a blood covered shirt to the laundry mat.

Alucard: You can take your shirt off now.

Aldara: SHUTUP!

Seras: THE BACK BREAKER!

Bella: NOOOOOOOO!

_**SPLAH SPLASH SPLASH**_

Aldara: Note to self. Never let Seras watch WWE RAW again.

Seras: HERES THE DRILL!

Bella: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

_**SPLOOSH**_

Alucard: That was beautiful.

Aldara: OMG! Is she dead!

Seras: No but she will be knocked out for a very long time.

Aldara: *Shakes Head*

Alucard: Well now she might get some sense in her head.

Aldara: I quit.

Alucard: Don't worry everybody we will be back.

Seras: I hope so.

Alucard: Send us any questions and we will answer them. Chow!

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After the Show**

Seras: I really feel bad for Aldara.

Alucard: Yeah me to well just a little bit.

Seras: We should tell her that we are sorry.

Alucard: Lets not go to extreme measures.

Seras: Master your mean.

Alucard: No I'm not.

Seras: We will just send her a zombie head shaped chocolate.

Alucard: Yeah that always cheers her up.

1 hour later

Aldara: YAAAYY ZOMBIE SHAPED CHOCOLATE!

Alucard: It was all my idea Seras was so mean telling me that she didn't want to say sorry. She can be so evil.

Aldara: Thanks Alucard!

*hugs*

Alucard: Anytime.

Seras: Master your such an attention whore.

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**Stay tuned for whatever happens next...**


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